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"I think you've had enough, it's time for bed" is something I've said to my toddler. Usually after he's been stumbling around and walking in circles. I've also said these words to friends who’ve exhibited the same behavior. Because they were drunk.
Lately I've been noticing some of the things I say to my son are eerily similar to what I've said to friends and roommates back in college. Let me clarify that: It reminds me of things I said to drunk friends and roommates back in college. And maybe a few years post-college. Also, recently after a mom's night out.
- I know you’re trying to tell me something that’s obviously important... But I can’t understand a word you just said. My toddler is learning to speak. He babbles. While he's positive he's saying something, I often have no idea if he’s discussing apples or garbage trucks. Drunk people essentially lose the ability to coherently string words together. And also talk about apples and garbage trucks.
- Did you put these shoes in the dishwasher? My son put my husband’s shoes in the dishwasher A college roommate put garlic powder in the dishwasher. She said it was because the smell was overpowering and this was the only way to “make it stop.”
- I don’t care if you’re mad, I’m not going to let you use the oven. My son is fascinated by everything we do. He wants to do it also, including cook. An old roommate would come home after a few cocktails and want to cook. Usually noodles that she’d smother in ketchup. I believe I’ve been right by refusing both of them the opportunity.
- Do NOT pull the cat’s tail. My son has tried this because he doesn’t know any better. A friend used to swear his cat enjoyed it. For the record, the cat most certainly did not.
- How is it possible that you’re awake so early? Do you not remember what you were doing at 3 a.m.? My son will awaken in the middle of the night, keeping us up for hours. Yet he rises at the crack of dawn like nothing happened. I had a college roommate who’d come home drunk, waking everyone up because she was so loud. Then she’d get up at 5:30 a.m. to go running.
- I don’t care if you throw your cup on the floor. The only thing you’re getting to drink right now is water. My son has tossed his sippy cup when he realized it was filled with water. I once tried to trick a drunk friend by offering her “white wine” that wasn’t. She threw her red solo cup filled with water on the floor, thinking it was funny. It wasn’t.
- When did you use my phone? How did you unlock it? Please tell me you didn’t call someone. It’s just common knowledge that both toddlers and drunk people shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a phone.
- If you want to run around outside you have to put shoes on. I have to wrestle my son to get his shoes on, he thinks it’s a fun game. I once had a drunk friend who insisted we allow her to run around outside. Barefoot, in the rain. We might have had to wrestle her a bit as well.
- Let me get this straight: you’re crying because your cookie broke in half? Toddlers and drunk adults both share a flair for drama. And are excessively emotional. Tears are often shed. Loudly.
- Please don’t put your hands in the toilet. My son thinks the toilet is a water table that exists in our home for his amusement. Drunk friends just have no common sense.
- I promise you those aren’t chocolate crumbs in the plant. It’s dirt. Please don’t eat it. My son is often trying to grab handfuls of dirt to eat. Similarly, I had a drunk friend who was convinced that styrofoam shipping peanuts were popcorn. We finally let her try to eat one because we were tired of arguing with her.
- I’m sorry the car smells so bad. It’s never been the same since you threw up in there. I think this one is self-explanatory.
For more mom moments, follow me on Instagram at Witty Otter.
Images by Becky Vieira
Opinions expressed by parent contributors are their own.