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There's no baby.
There's no baby and there is just a big empty sac of nothing. The hope of a life to be was shattered in sixty seconds.
We weren't ready for a third, but at 12 weeks pregnant I was finally embracing it fully. At our appointment yesterday I heard no gorgeous heartbeat on the Doppler. An agonizing wait for the ultrasound ended in the sight of a big sac of nothing.
There are decisions we need to make. With this missed miscarriage we were given three options:
- wait it out a few more weeks for my body to miscarry naturally
- have a D&C performed, which is a surgical procedure
- take a drug off label that will cause me to cramp and bleed
The first time around, before we had kids, I had a D&C. I still had terrible cramping and bleeding after and felt like I couldn't even stand from the pain. I don't believe that is a normal reaction.
This time I've chosen the drug route. I will experience bleeding and cramping but without first having surgery. I hope it works, because it is really strange to feel pregnant knowing that you are decidedly not pregnant.
I haven't decided how I feel yet. Is it weird to feel all the feelings right now, all together? I feel sad of course, but not in the same devastating way as the first time, before we knew we would go on to have healthy, beautiful children. I feel pissed off, which I'm not even sure I should say, but it's how I feel. I've been so nauseous for the last two months that I've been a terrible parent and wife. I've also been incredibly impatient with my kids. And I started weaning so I would be able to take anti-nausea medicine. Why did I have to go through all that for nothing?
AND IT'S STILL NOT OVER.
I wish my body recognized weeks ago that something was wrong. My body still has no clue and is behaving as though it's host to a baby, but it's not.
I've been pregnant or nursing since June 2010, save a one month break after my first failed pregnancy. This week will mark the first week in almost four years that I am neither pregnant or nursing.
My husband and I have been blessed with two incredible children, and today I am going to focus on the beauty of that.
Sabrina, of RhodeyGirl Tests, had her first boy in September 2011 with her husband Trig. At the time of this post Raffi was 2.5 years old and Alessandra was almost a year old. You can read other related posts on her blog.
Opinions expressed by parent contributors are their own.